The Inaugural Post

      For as long as I can remember, I have been unhappy with the way I looked.  I recall as early as elementary school recognizing I wasn't as little as the popular, pretty girls.  I remember being so disheartened the first time I bent my arm at the elbow and skin/muscle/fat stuck out on both sides.  (Note: it does that on pretty much everybody!) I lied about my weight when I jumped on the neighbors trampoline.  All this to say, my unhealthy and unreal expectations began at a very young age.

     It didn't get any better as I got older.  The pretty popular girls remained thing even after they developed with puberty.  I stayed largely the same, but still large.  Now, I wish I could be as fat as I was in college.  I think that's 50 pounds ago?  I dabbled with eating disorders and fretted way too much about being thin and pretty to find a man.

    In my early thirties (well, earlier in my thirties because I am 34 as I write this-- not gonna claim mid thirties until I hit 35!) I really had to come to love my body as I was for me.  It was obvious I wasn't going to be in a long term relationship anytime soon so I needed to get happy with who and what I was for me.  

     It was hard.  It was painful.  It was something I still struggle with.  I believe the devil knows your weak points and uses them to his advantage and he knows all too well that if I ponder a topic long enough, I can fully convince myself the root cause of it is because I'm overweight and single.  Every. Single.  Issue.  Even the most flippant thing you're thinking of right now-- give me enough time and I can make it work.  I've named that side of myself Irrational Kimbrough or IK for short.  

     I'm better these days at keeping IK at bay.  My rational self rules most days, but it would be false to assume that all my days are hunky dory.  It still bothers me.  I'm fatter now that I have ever been.  But I'm learning that the best parts of me don't change no matter what.  I'm recognizing that this body is the only one I will ever get and it enables me to do anything I want.  

    I can walk.  I can learn to run again.  I can lift weights.  I can flip tires.  I can prep food.  I can snuggle with my kitties.  I can lift up the children in my life I'm lucky enough to love.  

    This blog I started for myself to remind me of the things I CAN do, especially when the list of things I can't do is easier to form.  (Fit into single digit jeans for example.   I'll never be able to do that.  And that has to be okay). I don't even know if this is public for anybody to read or if it's just for me.  Either way I'm okay with it.  In my dream life, I write free lance on the side, so this helps satiate that desire. 

     I need an outlet to get things out.  I journal hand written with my Lord, but this wanted to do on the computer.  I want to have a place to jot down notes for when I do something pretty amazing.... with this body that will never be in fitness magazines.  

     Today's #LookAt?  I ran up the hill at Cherokee park.  I am using the C25K app and I love it.  I used to be a runner then life happened.  But I'm slowly working my way back into it.  I didn't go as far as the app wanted me to in 10 minutes (2 stretches of this length of time) but I did it and I'm glad about it.